Selflessness or Weakness.

Months since my last post but I find myself here, in need of a space to put my thoughts to words. A space of my own.

Because afterall, there is no place to call my own; not even home. Perhaps the words are exaggerated. Perhaps they are words of anguish. But truly, they are words of my own. I knew myself to be a stubborn person, to be less than willing to give in my way to any one. but you. Perhaps 23 years of sculpting I have finally became the sister you wanted. One that does not question your ways and give you what you wanted.

Was there even a second, in the days of your wonderful life that you spared a thought, just a tiny thought that maybe compromisation was the key to eliminate conflicts in the household. Have you not realised, every fight, every debate we have had for years now, start from you one way or another? Space, organisation and rights. When you told me to study in school instead of at home, did you not realise how horrid those words were. And did you remember them now, probably not since with ease you got a proper area for your proclaimed studies. For 6 years of my studies, perhaps more, I struggled for space. A table. An area that I can do proper work on. What are we, a third world family? 4 months of proper workspace and handed to you after a few sentences, that I should compromise. I thought that was a word you never knew. I thought wrong.

All problems that could be solved so easily should you have “compromised”, and agreed to having our own rooms. But of course, I don’t deserve to have my way as always isn’t it. Life shouldn’t be so easy for the little sister that seemingly got the favour of the parents isn’t it. Because you know what, thats the only valid reason I can think of why you simply refuse to separate rooms despite me offering to do all the moving. And I am dead sure, that it was not because of any sibling love. Because it was never felt.

Maybe one day when you realise, you lived life the way you did, you will understand. Maybe even feel sorry. But also maybe, never so. But I am so, so tired of arguing. Am I being selfless for letting you have everything you want. Or am I just a weak excuse of pushover. Either way, maybe I just don’t care anymore. Should the world only spins for you, I shall see how far it goes.

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