My mind is filled with countless double standards and deep holes. If I were to describe my inner notion, it would be my hell, brewing lavas and baking brownies. Its not a pursuit for anyone to look and the demons and say its okay then make them go away; but anyone to look at them and still being able to house them. But no one wants contact with a sad and angry individual, ever when its only momentary.
I have a couple of scars on my body, and I sometimes fall asleep with an ache in my heart. I have issues, I have problems, I have a sickness beyond repair. I am not a flawless person. Sometimes you will find me cris-crossing on the streets, falling off, tripping over, vomiting. There are times when I hate everyone and everything because I feel like they’re so different, so sure about everything.
I am not a flawless person. I am vindictive, rebellious, ruthlessly expressive and sometimes brutally nonchalant and oblivious.
It’s not a matter of low self esteem nor the result of overwhelming self doubt. It just that, when you are still learning to love yourself, you do not see how others could ever love you. Because I can’t predict you, nor control, and so when something it out of my control I feel really uneasy. And the scarily sad truth is that, the only thing I can control is how this falls apart. But I am taking the effort to try now at least, it takes awhile, but I will probably get used to it. It’s kind of like when I first moved back with my family. That took years for me to get comfortable and open up, but I was young and didn’t understood a lot of things then.
But this is how I keep my mentality alive until now.