Well it has be extremely long since my last post. I only have to say that life of a singapore university student is fucked up. Either that or I’m fucked up. And they say you aren’t legit in engineering if you ain’t perpetually tired. I shall spare my blog the agony of holding my school related rants, but seriously, never in my entire schooling life (despite being a singaporean and all) have I EVER, ever worry about my grades. As in I am pretty contented with a B (OMG DISHONOR ON ASIAN BLOODLINE) and pleasant surprised by my As. It was only when I got to poly I had the goal of entering a university I started legit mugging, sadly only in year two but yeah thats over. University is just, overwhelming. And above all I am most afraid of losing myself in the mist of blind academic pursuits.
Now back to proper updates. I haven’t had time to garner my thought these months, no surprise, due to school work and my very persistent procrastination trait. But one thought that has been with me was the construct of human relationships. I have always wondered how we pick the people around us, to be around us. Like, hey I like your face lets be friends. Not one will go hey I hate your face but lets be friend in case you have a kickass character that I can never tell from your physique. It got to a point where sometimes I feel randomly sad because no one now actually takes time to know you anymore. I think I’ve mentioned in a few posts before that I was afraid of making friends in this new environment and I don’t know why. Perhaps this is why. It is almost like, you are so close to everyone but there is no one that actually comes to your mind if someone were to ask if you know anyone. You don’t connect in a spiritual level I get it, but not even on levels you hold inside. Brushing across the surface of everyone you no longer can differentiate who do you actually know, or not know.
I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, it is more of a waste if you’d ask me. Some many souls left untouched and you might never know if you have missed a chance to find that one person like you. Or understands you. Like when you were in primary school everyone has that one friend you know is THE ONE. The one you go nowhere without. But not all is fortunate enough to still have them around.
Being in a world where it’s norm to be treated to a certain degree of politeness and offered more help then usual, I am pretty overwhelmed. Truth to be told being in engulfed in a sea of testosterones for almost 4 years and still counting I am surprised I still retained my biological form and is still being perceived as a female. Not that I’m not one, but if you get the gist. Sometimes its like, are you being polite because I am a socially deemed weaker species or you are genuinely a nice person? Maybe I am too skeptical a person but most of the times I can’t help judging and I really dislike that, because I am actually at that point casting a judgement on that person and that could be totally wrong. Do you get?
Overthinking is tough. But I still like to think everyone is genuine, that makes me feel better about life. Speaking of which, perhaps its just that I crave to be understood, that maybe I can find one that knows how I tick, not just what I want to have for lunch today. “Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.” What a perfect description.