“Possibilities are like cancer. The more I think about them, the more they multiply, and there’s no way to stop them. I’m out of control. ” ― Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance

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What’s left when all you’ve understood seem to be insufficient? Moving on, new views, flip a page and start writing. My book of life, I want it to be something I would put on a shelf. As the last camp before embarking on my life as an undergrad ends, all that’s left is getting used to. Waking up at unholy hours again, lugging heavy minds and bags to and fro trying to stay afloat the tsunami of an education system. It all seemed planned out but I actual can’t see light at the end of the tunnel, what if I screw up and can’t find a job? Fucking worrier I just could not stop doubting myself. I hate that about me. I mean that is at least 3 years from now why can’t I just worry about the next six months? I worry about mixing around. My tiny circle of close ones are all going everywhere, some seas apart soon, and I’m afraid. I know we wouldn’t drift apart but deep down knowing they are no longer so close by, what am I going to do to deal with people. I can’t pretend to be normal and smiley for long. It sounds so radical but I tried so hard to be extroverted and open minded and talking to people going to camps, working. Without my alone time I feel so out of control. I have got to learn proper management of time. Taking too much stuff is just going to weird me out even further.

You know I was so happy that this time, no one questioned me about not smiling.

All the phases in my life, primary school secondary school polytechnic, I have been asked why wouldn’t I smile. I mean why WONT I. I have nothing to be sad about, but neither do I have anything to be happy about. However it seems to me people don’t normally understand that, and there I go and mess up my game of life. My training might be going well. It isn’t that hard, lets smile 3 times today. Lets go to 5 times today. Lets hit 10 times today! As it goes on I learn, and I do it subconsciously. Maybe that’s what tiring me. I am just not use to doing it although it does helps. Perhaps I should use this method to become less of an obsessed introvert. Perhaps its time to move on, grow up.

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Well on a brighter note, O week has been fun. Although compared to engincamp it lacked that bit of spice. Maybe it’s because we already knew one another. Well at least the amount of new people I have to meet is significantly lesser and that made me really glad. Also my curse of camps still follows as my biological cycle of being a women screws thing up for me once more. Weizhu =/= Water games. FML.

 

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有时候想想,为什么自己不能和他人一样,好好的笑,那么可人的性格多么撩人的台风。但又想想,若世上每棵树都一样,还美吗?看看自己或许暗暗的,在一个框框里,好像也不错。

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