There are time where I would do anything to be a good person. But I’m not. Deep down, most of the time, I’m not. What can you do? You have a flash of goodness and you try to hold on to it, ride is for all it’s worth.
Dan Chaon, Among the Missing
It’s been a while.
Finished my necessary tests of sorrowful discriminations for the university and it is now approximately two weeks to start of my first school term. Although without a choice my first year is ironically label the second because poly graduates are deemed ‘established’ enough to get the direct entry. I would love this given maybe a year ago but after being tossed and churned through the semester system of GPA, I dread. It might not be prominent but I am stressed as fuck right now. If I fail my tests ( which I have a 50% chance of, because pessimism+seriously ), I have to take additional modules, on top of the second year modules we are assumed to be capable of of handling. My confidence level is now near zero. I guess I have to wait till my first results come in before I set my tone and lower my paranoia.
I guess I am still an optimist of some kind. Eek I really feel lost as of now, having no set timetable (yet ) and no fixed schedule ( also yet ) so near to the school date terrifies me. I am pretty much well fed ( you know what I mean, not literally although I did gain quite some weight ) by SP such that having no class ( AKA STRANGERS GALORE ) and being independent makes me feel all weird and nervous. Like if I screw up, it will be on me, no one to blame. IS THIS GROWING UP. Well its horrifying. I just don’t want to float around campus trying to avoid strangers. I hope we at least have a fixed crowd with faces I can get used to without change. I hate change.
I am not a likeable person at all I have this weird mean personality that does not actually appeal to many. Making friends is not my game. Although I do appreciate going out there and knowing people, thank god I still have a bit a hope. I don’t like going through the getting to know phase again and again, I want to stay in my comfy little circle and not go out. But that wouldn’t do, I am aware. Its a game of social survival that we all have to stay afloat, because either you have a certain degree of talent or intelligence the solo game isn’t for you. Sounds really tragic, but from what I heard and seen, I just have to make it less sad and dark. At least for me. As much as I hate ( probably afraid, now that I read it all. Sigh ) it, I want to be the ones that stays afloat and maybe one day, go ashore. This time, no more facade. It will be fine.