Bare.

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I have not been updating recently but I guess it was for good reasons because most of the time I spent here are due to confusion and basically negative elements. I would like to say this post is going a different way but no, pretty much it’s going to end up there again. I wanted to record a tiny milestone of my life, which is getting a job, on my own. Might not sound impressive but I have only worked once before, and it was with my sister and it was also her who found and got me the job. I always have been afraid of working, being out there. All the strangers you have to get know and all the things outside my control. Kind of like the first day of school over and over again. People, is a heavy variable that puts me in great discomfort. Especially when most temp jobs require communication and service ( I do realise being an adult I need a job to survive and that means communication is something inevitable but I am going to take it as it comes for now. ), I found it notably hard to go into them regardless how tempting the pay is going to be on my pretty much empty bank account. But I found one, technically by jobstreet but I like to see it as by myself, although the pay wasn’t all enticing but the job scope was relatively great, on my sense that is. No customer engagement, and the strangers are kids. I am not the best with kids and definitely not a person of patience but after a few days I feel my tolerance to irritating kids increase. Nuff’ said. 

Coming back to my topic, I felt kind of ‘bare’ lately, hence the title. Bare as in, empty on the inside, aimless? And exposed, vulnerable. Its like I feel as if everyone including passer by A and Bs knows my deepest fears. They know every single thing of my life that makes me vulnerable and trust me there’s quite a lot. Maybe its the sudden lost of constant stress and routine without school that threw me into a state of panic. I live for routine I guess, and even the new job has random schedules that changes every week and I feel INSANE. Not good. I get so so so sensitive and overly cautious and at some point it tires me down and some days I am just plain cranky and a pest to be with. Suffering my wrath is my innocent family and friends. I hope some stability enters my life because dang this is spirally out of control. Mentally that is, I am sure(?) everything is fine but there’s this constant ringing at the back of my mind that this lack of control indicates an infinite room for errors. Speaking bout sensitivity, I need to stop putting things in such a serious note. But that my trait. Fuck my phobias and disabilities because you know what? No one is going to understand what they are unless they went through the same things and its just not worth going through nights and nights thinking and thinking about why aren’t I normal and feeling bad and negative wondering was those jokes or were those legit opinions because honestly, it feels as wrong as the length of this sentence. So damn wrong and I don’t even know what kind of feelings and emotions are the right ones because technically I never felt that way towards these issues as long as I can remember. And you will never have the slightest idea how that feels like, if you do, I’m sorry you have to go through all these. We never should have.

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