I don’t really know if I had any. I have wishes, tonnes of wishes. Materially, monetary and timely. But if you are going to die tomorrow and one and only one you wish for could happen, what would that one wish be? Not one wish I would rather do. None of them cut it because after some thought they all are, basically do-without-s. Things I currently do not have but would be a bonus if I got it. So it sought of got to a situation where, I do not have a wish I want to fulfil to the brink of death. Maybe my life have not got to a point where I lived enough for such needs and that suggests how much I need a proper life… But anyway its a question that makes me generally quite sad because if I really do die tomorrow I wouldn’t have lived. I would have only lived life to stay alive, and not to be alive. I should start living huh. Maybe this year I will let myself say more yes-s and actually do stuff. Oh god I sound like a really pathetic human being. But yes, this year should at least be a year of courage.
Been thinking about lots of such like this because I just finished THE FAULT IN OUR STARS. BLOODY HELL. As if it is not obvious enough, I am very much still affected deeply in different levels, by this jewel. Firstly it has been months since I sped through a book like rapid fire with hours. Secondly it was my first purchased romance novel. Thirdly I had expectations due to the widespread of love on tumblr. AND HOLY PEAS IT EXCEEDS ALL EXPECTATIONs AND RUINED MY EMOTIONS. Still very very affected. I thought about life, death and love. For the first time together. And now I am halfway into For One More Day by Mitch Albom my all time idol. AND I JUST CANT DEAL AFTER A FEW CHAPTERS. I think reading these books back to back is a bad decision impacting negatively on my emotions. Good lord. But funny how I rarely cry in movies but for most books I love, I have cried while reading.
Side note: In FOMD the lead’s dying wish was to see his mother one more time, because when she left, all he stood for left. The only person with loved him at any cost left. Parents.
For sometime I thought I was afraid of death, dying seemed to be the worst. But now maybe, just maybe what I am, and many others are afraid of is ageing, or maybe sickness depending of what comes first… Its not the sudden stop button in life, but the slow approach to the ending. If I die suddenly tomorrow, death took me. If 50 or 60 years later, I approached death. Its the subtle sympathy amongst the others that lived on after the dead that shaped the thought I guess. If death is a stop button, it means you don’t get living burden any more. Not more pain and no more emotions. Unless certain religions held truth and we retain the memories and emotions and we float around until its time to go up. But the key is no more senses, no more pain. So death, regardless is a moment, but dying, is a process. Agony, I presume and pain. Emotionally, internally, and externally. Everyone else feel the emotional pain. I know. But if I am the one that left, what would I feel? Will I cry if I see them cry as I am burnt and kept in an urn? Or will I be stripped of all emotions and left looking and thinking, oh there I go.
MEANWHILE I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE FOUND MY GEEK HEAVEN.
I KID. I FOUND MY GEEK HEAVEN. IN LONDON. TIME TO SAVE UP.