“It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.” – Niccolo Machiavelli

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I woke up today, and started crying. Not the tears slowly tricking your face kinda cry, maybe that’s sobbing…. But I kinda just started crying, whimpering in bed as soon as I opened my eyes, because I was afraid that it would wake my sister. I hate explaining stuff. ANYWAY, I now have no recollection or whatsoever of the dream that caused it. Pretty sure its fortunate. It happened like 30 minutes before my alarm’s set to go off, I checked the time – it a habit when I wake up – and closed my eyes trying to sleep again because I just felt so horrible. And now I have no idea why that happened and what kind of dream could possibly end up like that, but this is so much more dreadful then those nightmares I used to get. Definitely hoping I would not get into these situations again. Horrid. Just pure horror.

OHOHOH maybe its like the SILENCEEEE in Doctor who where I see them and the moment I turn I forget..

holyyy….. But damn unless the Silence are bullies it still does not explain my scenario. Bummer.

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Meanwhile.

Feeling kinda aimless lately. Maybe because I kept convincing myself I will never be able to make it for the scholarships even if the universities I long for overseas accepts me. Maybe because there are just so many talented and smart people in my circle I feel inferior and incompetent. Such that even if I do try, I will end up in disappointment. I hate this feelings, it makes me feel disgusted at myself because I am like a helpless pessimistic little twat who does nothing to improve and fight for her cause. Maybe I am. Perhaps I am not. But I am hoping its just a phase, really.

yeah. Going day by day, counting my steps. Hoping everything turns out fine.

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