Its been long since the last post.
I, never wanted to post something that sounds sad or depressing again but it kinda got invoked again. I think this isn’t my best term. I am not trying, even for a bit. I have no idea why, but I am being real, real, I guess for some part. Part of me is relieved, because I kinda feel good. But part of me is scared, scared to going back into the shell I ditched when I grew up from. It wasn’t that all bad, not that i remember much. But I was neither happy nor sad. I was, silent. But not alone. I somehow managed to befriend some of the kindest individuals in my life and I am glad they are still around me. But it was then I felt real safe, because when I broke free of the chains and locks I kept, I was so exposed, so desperate for approval. I was desperate for attention. I think desire bring a double edged sword into a child’s life. When you desire love and craves attention, what can you do? When you are so small no one cares, what will you go into? I went into a pit, it was good enough for me. But the kind ones pulled me into the beauty of spoken words. They weren’t always with me, so I had to grow up learning, lagging behind, desperate and confused. I tried to be like others, I even tried to be others. I think I might have succeeded, but the habits wouldn’t go. I had to be alone, I have to stop speaking for hours in the day to be ‘normal’ again. So I can start again with smiles and go all out in expressing thought which I deem socially appropriate. But now, I am not so sure. I have lovely friends, but somehow I am again sinking into the pithole I once dug for myself. I withdrew, yes I still talk. But when unsure I felt the fear, again and it brings deep insecurity within me and I kind of shut off. Its scary because it’s an illness. I need help but I can’t bring it up. Its like a tug o war within me and I always thought it was gone for good. I thought I was well. Maybe I weren’t. I just thought nothing will be enough to put me in that mind again but I could not help or stop this. I am terribly upset with myself, because to me I have lost control.
So, meanwhile I will sort myself. I will be terrible, I will not be like what you know, but please know I will sort this out soon.
I feel sorry, because I did not recognise the connections as you all did. But on one part, I do not regret being this way. Maybe as fucked up as I am, as long as I know what I stand for, I can be fine.
I will work to and for, only for my ambition, my goal, my dream. So dear lord, go easy on my mind please.
I am setting this to publish round midnight, because I am weird like that.
Feels good, spilling everything here. I am relieved already. I will start tomorrow with a smile on my face.