It has gone to a point in the holiday that I once again question my life.
Why do I keep doing this when it doesn’t feel nice at all? Maybe that’s what people do when they have nothing to do, maybe that’s just what I do, when I feel like I have nothing to do.
Yes, I do have things to do, things like maybe reading up on relevant knowledge on my field of studies, helping out at home, giving my aid to charitable causes but why, am I not doing anything.
Perhaps I like the feeling of nothingness.
I like walking home from the park deliberately taking the longer distance, so that I walk, and take in everything around me and simply not thinking. I think that’s the only moment that I am actually not thinking.
About other people’s action,
about what they think about,
about how they feel,
about how I act.
Friends, everyone has that few. Almost, everyone. But I think, I don’t have friends that I don’t favor, but in this case “not necessarily the people you like best”.
I think sometimes, “Oh crap this is why I am going to hell. “
Because sometimes when people are nice to me I get skeptical. Because for some reason to me no one can be nice to someone so fast, so selflessly, unless you want something. I realized that after two years, and now the third is starting I am getting really tired for looking at the pretense we all have on.
Stop caring about what other’s thinking,
stop questioning your life,
but how easily can one stop the varsity of one’s mind, no one knows.
Because no one tried. Or so, who could have succeed?
I can’t stop, I think, I can’t simply stop my habit of questioning myself everytime I get some quiet alone time with nothing to do. It sometimes feels like there is just no purpose for me. Everyone exists for a reason but what gives? Only till the point you found your cause will you truly be liberated. Drama and media taught me that it could be a person, a field, a career. Or specifically in drama’s case, some traumatic turn of effect that twist your life around. If not, aren’t we all but walking pieces of puzzles, scattered when the world begun and only live to seek, for every second we breath?
I am kind of philosophical today aren’t I. Guess this is what staying home all day does to me. AH i need a life.