“I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that can be.” — Charlie – August 25th, 1991

HI. I think my blogging might go into a hiatus soon, given the approaching finals. I just thought maybe I could update some relevance to this platform before I disappear for some time.

I don’t know how my life is going to end up at but my aim and goal is still there and I will work towards it regardless of what is on my plate currently. Without the privileges some kids have with a silver platter, I guess for kids like me what we can do is to plan very far ahead and fight and do whatever we can so as to achieve our goals and aspirations, because we have nothing to fall back upon. Its like a hundred miles climb up a steep slope, some are armed with sticks to prop themselves forward, well stocked food and water, some are fortunate, with safety harnesses and rope as well as unlimited necessities or even luxuries. But some, all they have are pure will and hopes, the basic water and food. Or some aren’t even packed with any of it. So when they fall, everyone with sense will know who will still be safe and alive, ready to embark on a journey again, and who would be the ones, struggling to get back on track, to walk again.

Sometimes I am really baffled by life, because how when every single one of us are so different yet some (or majority I would say) are seemingly so alike. There are endless things I do not understand, and I do not like this as it bring forth insecurities, angst and judgement. Judging and envying drains you. It, to me is an unhealthy way of life and if given a choice I would very much chose to be rid of it all. How, did some manage to go on with living with such ease yet some are presented with such difficulties at an early age? I am not implying I am one of those with a hard life, I am blessed with a proper family with good parents who I know loves me, even thought their way of expressions sometimes could hurt me, despite their socially considered diminutive paycheck they provide me with everything I need. But note the ‘need’, as a teenager I definitely have endless ‘wants’, so as the cycle of life goes I have my own share of conflicts. But back to my initial thought, I sometimes am bewildered by the former group of people. The people who are presented with a life coated such that all their worries are of people relationships and studies. Not money, not future, not the consequences if they could not get into a university, or in bad cases, not whether is they might get food tomorrow. I know when raised in different conditions people grow up differently, their characters differs, often confident and articulate, the people’s person. This was what caught me. I wonder if they ever think and worry stuff other worry about, of is life really that easy for them as it appears to me? Are they in a turmoil too? Do they worry? Do things that bugs me, actually bugs them too but they just hide it so well? It goes on forever.

I think I wonder too much.

I do not know whether I am a man dreaming I am a butterfly,

or a butterfly dreaming that I am a man.

Why am I not trying to fit in like I tried to. I don’t think I grew tired, I don’t think I don’t care anymore. I still do, but as I say this I pray for the time to pass faster to my graduation. I want to much to get to my goal. I will miss people, but I don’t think I will miss me.

But on that note I think I blame too much . And this was so not supposed to be any form of emotional post. My hay wired mind. Oh how I adore the marvels of God sometimes. But anyway, I will continue to work hard and pray. Because if I can’t even believe someone is out there working things out for humans, I don’t know how else to go on in life and not drown in eternal depression because things actually happens not because Gods says so, but because I am a stupid twat. Nah ok just kidding I wont drown in a fiery vortex of eternal depression but hey, everything is easy when you have your faith placed somewhere.

OK NO I hope we all go to heaven. But not you because you are mean. And not you too..

.

Naww okay whatever no hard feelings I don’t really care where we all go. This life is all that matters now.

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