Its getting later in the night, I guess this is normally when I got the urge to share my thoughts, because my mind goes like a whirlwind, turning inside spilling emotions and questions all around. Scattered as they are they not only bring confusion, they bring a moment of life in me. When I feel overwhelmed by emotions, sometimes it all becomes vague because when I take a deep breath amidst all, I feel alive. Isn’t this all that’s to being alive? Because you are living, you got to feel. Because you feel, you have to deal with all the side effects. Its like being a drug addict. You know its bad when you get too much, but even when it hurts so much you have to rake up the past yourself, feel it again, happiness rarely, but the sorrow. What for? Perhaps we all want to feel alive. Unless you are like a serial killer like those who often featured on discovery channel and history channel. But most of them feel, a little too much. And some, just lack the emotions, with no emotions no fear, that’s why they ended up in the extremes. But in the end don’t you see what all human have in common?

Some days,

I feel like I’m the worst person on earth. Those days I tend to seek the company of others. Extremely afraid of being left out I cling on to the crowd.

Some days,

I feel like I am a proud girl. Like I am the best in my own world. Those days I do not bother about what others see and think. Because I have me.

Some days,

it feels like it is sunny inside me. I feel warm and I can smile. I talk to everyone and I think positive.

Some days its rainy.

Clouded and thundery I feel angst. No one have yet made me able to think positive on those days. I judge a lot.

Some days,

I crave attention. I do stupid things and say funny jokes to gain spotlight. I hate myself on those days.

But on all days, I try to not let it show. I want everyday to be the same.

Why?

Maybe because, you fear that when you start behaving out of the norm you scare people away like you did.

I once had a dream. One day you will come home, we all have a great dinner together. We will all fight to wash the dishes, but you do it anyway, because you love us. We sit in front of the television but no one will pay attention to the TV programs; we will be talking about our day. You pay attention to our every word, ask us silly things to make us laugh. Nag at us because you simply care about us too much. Love, exists.

Sharing one of my latest favourite song.

 “Lost” – Within Temptation

My hope is on fire
My dreams are for sale
I dance on a wire
I don’t want to fail her

I walk against the stream
Far from what I believe in
I run towards towards the end
Trying not to give in

She’s lost in the darkness
Fading away
I’m still around here
Screaming her name
She’s haunting my dreamworld
Trying to survive
My heart is frozen
I’m losing my mind

Help me, I’m buried alive
Buried alive

I’m burning the bridges
And there’s no return
I’m trying to reach her
I feel that she yearns

I walk against the stream
Far from what I believe in
I run towards towards the end
Trying not to give in

She’s lost in the darkness
Fading away
I’m still around here
Screaming her name
She’s haunting my dreamworld
Trying to survive
My heart is frozen
I’m losing my mind

Help me, I’m buried alive
Buried alive

I tried to revive what’s already drowned
They think I’m a fool
Can’t realise,
Hope plays a wicked game with the mind
‘Cause I thought that love would bind
I cannot revive what’s already drowned
She won’t come around

She’s lost in the darkness
Fading away
I’m still around here
Screaming her name
She’s haunting my dreamworld
Trying to survive
My heart is frozen
I’m losing my mind

Help me, I’m buried alive
Buried alive

 

You know what? I find myself unforgivable when I feel good this days. I am not depressed or anything, its because of the things that make me feel good these days. I felt wanted and I actually enjoy it. Stupid right?

 

 

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