2012

I definitely have more posts. But only chose to transfer some over to this platform. But whatever if weizhugyo.thought.com stills survives i think time to time i could see view them. And behold.

Society is all but rude, to this delicious solitude. January.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone.
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air.
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go.
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all.
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life’s gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a long and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Author: by Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1855-1919)
Beautiful piece of poem.
It was a busy January and now it too is coming to an end. I felt awfully confused these days. Like the inner contrary has been magnified once again and i really feel suffocated. Its like one moment i will be down the pits and the next second its like i’m possessed by carebears. Things that used to matter so much doesn’t seem to count, yet things that i never used to want is now able to affect me in all ways. It wasn’t what i set out to be. This isn’t what i think i would become. On the bright side material rewards aint that all important now. I thought that since i wanted a medal so much i would be really sad. But again on the contrary. Maybe these are all part of my growing process, if it is, i really wish to be rid of it soon. This excessive feelings and emotions make me feel really vulnerable and i hate that. I hate, being concerned. As harsh or bad as it sounds, it will forever be something i couldn’t bring myself to embrace. Concerned of what people think, concerned of how i look, concerned of outcomes i now hoped to happen.
ON A LIGHTER NOTE~~~ 
ITTC was much fun LOOK

Coo. anyway i have learnt alot, and i will be able to grow.

 

I am really jealous of how you could talk at ease, this is again something i want to be rid of but right now i can’t stop feeling.

Oh well all will be well in the end and the unexpected will always happen. Oh i almost forgot, have i mentioned the guy i dreamt of a few months back 3 night in a row? i must say i still naively hope to see him in real life, as creepy as it sounds. Yes i can be sure this a definitely a growing stage.

 

 

CHEEROS! 😀

 

 

” I must find strength and pretend
That everyone around me is my friend
To put this state of scale of elevation to an end
I must pretend, I must pretend
That even Solitude is my friend ”  In Solitude, Sylvia Chidi

 

and i shared a Billy Talent;s song with lyrics. Surrender.

 

Act 2; Seven Ages. January 22.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Still I Rise – Maya Angelou 

 

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!

IF – Rudyard Kipling

 

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son! 

 

may my year be great, so will be everyone’s.

 

” All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. ” – William Shakespeare

Dear Higher Self, . February 6.

Maturity was the first title i had thought of for this post. I thought i would type it down as always after my post i would probably give it a new title because, well the topic strays. Realising i had always posted when im supposed to do my school work as a form of procrastination i will try to keep my thoughts straight to the point.

 

I wasnt pissed but apparently people thought i am and want to defend and help me. If you have yet known i am really not the person to be affected by such things. I give reactions to continue the conversation and if you had seen past posts i only started caring about various thing only recently and im really glad, REAL GLAD, to say i have kept my cool and it really takes alot to make me mad, they are not even close so chill friends. I dont hate anyone i just am unhappy there isnt any immediate actions to make this back to normal because if there have been. i will not despise their character. 

 

That wasnt the main purpose for this post though, i wanted to write about my morning.

I woke up half an hour early today and i went through my morning routine much slower than usual and went to school in my own pace. my old pace. And i was able to talk to myself. Dont take this the literal way, i mean conversations i have inside my head where i ask myself things and i answer, this is my way of clearing my mind and make decision. For a hour or so i was able to go back to my core and then, an answer came to me. Im still me, im still inside i did not disappear, i just have to fight through the veins of society has on me and emerge me again.

I also questioned my belief on God. Did i simply thought i believed because i was afraid and alone and hence wanted just a channel and reason for me to push my stress and blame to? If it is, i rather i stop my belief because it really wrong. As people says you believe and God is there, if you dont, God wont be. But what i my belief is build on my wants and stop when i realise im not getting it or when i got it? Is my God real? And i thought if God is truly around, and was giving people the best, and everyone was His child\, why is it that there are so many suffering? Then the answer came to me as, God could not give just everyone the best, its illogical, but all He could do, is to protect and stop the worst from happening to you. All this is just my personal view, i do not believe in any religion but now i can say, i know my God is around.

One of my book on Tarot reading says when praying, you do not necessary have to have a belief, you could communicate to your higher self. Because everyone has a Guardian Angel. Then dear Higher Self, am i doing this right?

 

Picky. February 12.

I’m immune to people telling me im ‘sick’ , good or bad ways, telling me i’m weird. Sometimes i even feel that its a compliment in its own way. But either ways, i can tell you i am not going to change.

Yes my principles can be the weirdest. As long as i said and decided on something, it will never change even when i know its wrong. I must pack my earpiece in a certain way, other objects may be a mess. I don’t repeat my words when people ask for it, the more emotions the words contained, the more i would not repeat it. The more someone apologizes to me for my help, the more i despise their weakness. Yes i view that as weakness and vulnerability. I stay mad, as long as the words ‘Sorry’ or ” i apologize” are not mentioned. Even when they say they are in the wrong, even when they offer the best actions of apology. Same goes for “Thank You”. You may hug me and say wonderful stuff of gratitude, but i need the 2 words. Or you can jolly well count on me not helping you in the future.

Spoken keywords, are the key to me. With that i would even say you can control my actions towards you. I’m not a complicated person, just like rubric’s cube. Its not hard to solve it as long as you know the way to play with it. I will gladly play along, with people who actually understands. But till now there is none. I need words like “good morning/ afternoon/ night” from my other half everyday. Yes everyday. I would do that too, but apparently it seems to be weird for the current people in my life so i dont usually say it to them but i really hope i can find some one who will do that with me. I demand weird specific stuff from people, but its this stuff i do for them so it sometimes piss me of because none of them understood those were important to me. And yet they have the guts to demand actions from me, in which majority of themselves do not even follow. These people really makes me sick.

 

Adele Adele and Adele again. February 22.

Today  regardless anywhere i went, i hear Adele‘s Someone Like You playing. Of course we all know Adele is a great singer and this song has a great tune to it, but i find the lyrics really ……. i dont know the right word but its like not right. i mean it went

 

” I heard that you’re settled down

That you found a girl and you’re married now

I heard that your dreams came true

Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you ” 

 

and then 

 

“I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited

But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it

I had hoped you’d see my face and that you’d be reminded

That for me, it isn’t over”

………

…………

…………..

…………………

Seriously?

 

 

i mean,

 

YOU BROKE UP AND YOU WENT TO THE PERSON’S WEDDING HOPING HIM SEEING YOU WOULD REMIND HIM???

Of what? of your past romance so he realizes how he loved you and ditches his bride and return to your side or he looks at you with despise and you break down and wallows in self pity? Either ways is freaking wrong, LIKE WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT TO DO THAT TO YOURSELF? you break up and get the hell over it!

I mean i really dont get some love songs. or maybe i just lack the experience so i dont get the song. oh well great song afterall i still listen to it but looks like this GIF to the lyrics.

 

 

 

 

 

 

ps. i love Adele. Really

pps. LOL I LOVE KINGSLEY MORE

Perhaps. March 3.

I am so tired. But I can’t stop. Not due to guilt, but due to the new me i found of it. Maybe the only reward from it I would get is not of a material but experiences I might never gain otherwise. But I still feel tired, perhaps this is only human, I still hope and pray. of a material reward. Like a rabbit, i need my carrot on the stick to keep running. I certainty will not do as well this time, but i hope i will not disappoint myself.

 

Ask no questions and you will be told no lies. 

The above quote from the book i got recently, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I have not finished the book yet though, but for now i can say its gonna be one exciting ride i would have with the book. 😀 Its really true, the quote. However like the Pip has said, kind of rude of the person. Its like if you want to be told no lies, stop asking; and if you ask, all you would be told is lies. Of course in real life its not possible for you to get all lies for answers, but does curiosity really kills the cat? I hope not, i am pretty much a questioner myself. Lies or not, answers define the people who gave it, not?

 

Recollection #1, March 11.

The text came. Staring, i could faintly make up his face in my mind. I don’t know why, but i am dressing up to meet the stranger. it felt like we have known one another, but the feeling that came to me with the text, were of  deep trepidation. Yet i still went ahead with what i was doing. I replied, ever so carefully. it seems that offending him would not be of my favor. It was like he knew my every movement, my every action. Never once has fear loosen it’s grip on me. A play? We were supposed to attend. With his one lettered reply i could not feel at ease, almost plaguing me. For the first time i felt the urge, the resistance to meet him. What would happen to me, if i went?

Or more essentially, do i really not know this person?  

 

 

Above was my recollection of one of the most vivid dream i had lately. Maybe more appropriately i would label it as a nightmare. the gripping fear i felt then was terrifying. You know sometimes in dreams, things go according to your thoughts? This certainly is not one of those.

I was powerless, in my own dream. Utterly abhorred.

 

May it never happen again.

 

I like to record my dream, especially nightmares.Because i find them to be part of my subconscious i can never enter. And maybe i am scared of my high rate of deja vus.

 

ROAR. And Ironman woke up. May 12.

Been off so long, school is killing me. Or maybe im the one that is killing myself. Not literally but killing me, the original me that had fun. I am not stressed and i had a fair share of worries but those did not bugged me. But i cant be sure for now. I hate that now im getting more and more lost and easily feeling angst. I really do not like feeling so not in control. so not.confident, so unsure about what will happen. I am not used to losing control. I do not appreciate following through life while pulling on the flying cape of time. I need my pace, i need my place. And most important,  i need to regain myself before i truly lose control. For the 1st time, i really hope God will lead me to an answer.

 

ps. Avengers was awesome. IDKY i took so long to catch it.

 

The Melting Point of Wax. June 2. 

Finally I get to sit down on my not-very-comfy-but-will-do-because-I-am-feeling-good-today chair in front of my laptop, and blog. There’s so many things I thought I would liked to note down here. But I forgot like 80% of it. Its like you know you have to remember something but you just don’t remember what is it that you have to remember. Sigh I think I am ageing more rapidly, but its okay school, I will still nurture my love with you.

So the few I remembered is actually that this song, It Girl, by Jason Derulo. Just like my Adele post I found the lyrics highly amusing. I mean nice song aside, the lyrics are………….. cute. It goes like

” I have been looking under rocks and breaking locks, just tryna find ya.

I have been like a maniac insomniac, 5 steps behind ya.”

See what I mean? Hmmmmm unless your girl is Thumbelina, she is NOT going to be under the rocks. And why the fuck are you looking for her if you are 5 steps behind her? This is definitely interesting. And in case you don’t know who is Thumbelina,

above is Thumbelina and apparently 2 toads. I can’t find a decent picture of her that is not Barbie-fied or looking kinda Tinkerbell-ish. What has the world come into? Barbie is totally invading the world. If I ever have a kid of my own I swear they will never get a Barbie. Play with good old lego and blocks and cars of whats not kids. I am very biased. And I was on the train the other day, and this kid was TOTALLY ANNOYING. He was running up and down the cabins and spinning round the grip poles like a freaking top. Worst of all, he was screaming. LIKE SERIOUSLY? The mother was just there like the child isn’t hers. Hey if your child is a public nuisance you jolly well take them under control and teach them the correct behaviour! Spin all he wants at home but this is a PUBLIC TRAIN. As screwed as SMRT is already is you do not have to make it worse. Speaking of SMRT, this one hell of a driver actually decides on the day I have an 8am class that he might kinda want to skip Dover. Erm Dover? Fucking Dover are you in your right mind. Hundreds of students on your train and you went pass Dover like a bimbotic bitch walking pass her geeky admirer. I CANT EVEN. I have never, NEVER, in my life missed so many trains, and squeezed in it to the extent you can’t even fall because, there is just no place for you to even move an inch. Okay enough of whiny rants.

You know the thing I love about blogging is that I never actually know what I will end up blogging about. It just kinda starts off and becomes a chain of thoughts streaming in and it feels really comfortable. I came to realised that this blog should probably be kept from my school related stuff, I hate reading my posts and become reminded of the shitty times and feel awful. And yes I actually do read my own blog and no I not weird. I just like reading about what I posted, for this is kinda like a bite off my thoughts, I can’t put it in words, I suck at phrasing. And I hate to know that the fact that people reading my posts will know of those bad times, because they care and I hate that they might worry. My problems are bad enough on me it do not need to plant it’s roots on others right?

OH AND ITS THE HOLIDAYS! OH BOY I LOVE MY LIFE. Finally getting to meet my old friends and what more can you ask for? This is getting long, but one last thing I remembered I wanted to note down, was text conversations. Getting in this point of life I exchange phone numbers more than facebook accounts… But that aside, I really hate people who text you like, being all friendly and basically like if in real lie, that would be the way they will act. But, NO. You don’t even dare to talk to me. Keypad warrior, I am very much put off. As a hopeless horoscope maniac I am, I must mention,  dude I am a scorpio. Once. You got your one chance and you did not get a good judgement.

 

 

 

 

 

ps. yeah i cant think of a good way to end my post.

pps till now i have not thought of a title for this post and thoughts doesnt allow me to post without a title so now the title shall be the name of my new favorite song by Thrice, a great band. LOL talk about no link.

I know I have tonnes of books in my shelf still unread. But geez this 2 books are tempting my ass off. How bout getting it as my birthday present whoever is reading this? ^^

            

 

i have gotten myself the Perks tho. 

 

i also posted later on Lana Del Rey’s song Carmen. 

i hate how thoughts doesnt allow me to post without a title :3

but oh well, Lana Del Rey’s songs are really getting to me. Not emo or sad, but i felt like i can feel alot from her lyrics and melody. IF you dont already know this song is about a young prostitute, and the song convey sort of a message of how young people can have problems and life ist that all fair. Of course and sadness. But beautiful song she has, i would share all, but slowly shall we? ^^

my favourite verse;

Baby’s all dressed up, with nowhere to go

That’s the little story of the girl you know
Relying on the kindness of strangers
Tying cherry knots smiling doing party favours
Put your red dress on, put your lipstick on
Sing your song, song, now, the camera’s on

And you’re alive again

 

Cirque. June 10

Sometimes it’s not about shutting out the world and being alone,

it’s about trying to see who gets it and finds you.

Solitude that came from sorrow, might just be the loudest cry for attention.

 

 

 

I don’t know why, but I am feeling good right now but what i typed above just came forth, Oh bummer me and mood swings.

 

ever wondered how it feels to be lactose intolerant? June 12.

I never wanted to use this as a topic before, but its late night now and

ITS THE DAMN TIME OF THE MONTH WHEREBY IT IS LEGIT FOR ME TO RAGE

AND BEHAVE EVERY BIT LIKE A PMSING OLD SPINSTER

WHO JUST GOT A SPLINTER

ON HER PINKY FINGER

AND FUCKING BIT ON GINGER.

i just wanted to make it rhyme. kinda failed. i hate ginger.

 

So as moody and whiny as i am currently, i decide to list down all i can think of now, the downsides of being lactose intolerant. (there’s no fucking up side to it i swear.)

1) NO MILK IN THE MORNING. OH THE HORROR. horrible 😦 my childhood actually has milk in them and i loved them so so so much.

2) CAKES. COOKIES. EVERYTHING NICE. nope,  cant have them either.

3) DESSERT. no and i do not count cakes and cookies in dessert. i meant stuff like asian stuff. like bobochacha and the black paste thingy with coconut milk on top.

4) NO FUCKING MILK TEA. NO TEK TARIK. NO COFFEE. WHAT IS THERE TO LIVE FOR?????

5) chocolates. just because its not in caps does not mean my love for them aint as huge. i got tired of shouting

6) i am a girl. i may be weird as hell but deep down i am a human with estrogens okay. I NEED SWEETS, SWEET STUFF AT TIMES OF THE FUCKING MONTH.

7) i dont even know why milk seems to make the most awesome things ever. Ice Cream. nuff said.

8) whipped cream. not a big fan but maybe because i never really tasted it before oh god how sad do i sound right now *dramatic cries*

 

yeah i can go on but that’s all i kinda think of like, straight off right now. well the cake and the cookies part are kind of irrelevant because i never really eat them, i mean you do so on birthdays and i am not a big fan of birthdays. but you do not simply understand the pain of no.4 if you aint a singaporean. but actually, i still eat all these shit and let myself suffer.

BECAUSE I AM SO BADASS.

uh not really, sometimes i just need them to cheer me up. food does it temporarily, but yeah the effects afterwards are harsh. you might have realised i did not include what might happen if i actually consumes milk products.. google it you bitches im moody right now.

 

ps. i did not bother with grammar and spelling and tenses, not like i  did a good job of it before but this post is of rage.

there are prolly more allergies of food far worst than mine but i cant deal with that right now i feel shitty enough to care more. but seriously, egg allergy are the worst i love then eggs they complete me. ……like milk completes breadfast…………………..

ALLOW ME TO AGAIN WALLOW IN SELF PITY AND DEPRESSION. ok not really i am not depressed i ranted and i feel kinda fine now i dont know why but imma include right now a small gif of the depiction of what i might have felt like just now

 

okay maybe 3.

oh hey there is an up side. people hear that you are lactose intolerant and gives you that awwwwman that sucks face and asks you caring-but-i-thought-it-was-unneeded stuffs bout it.

no just kidding there is no up side to it.

Confusion is a word we invented for an order not yet understood. July 3.

I thought one should never question your love for your family, but sometimes, I get so messed inside my head I became evil. I am scared of myself at these times. How can I? I am confused of what is anymore. Is love to them, that I feel sadness when they are not with me? If so, I am glad I might still have love in me.

 

Evolving with a tinge of retardation. July 14.

Yeah so I spontaneously went to read my old posts…  technically ALL my old posts. And well, i was a pretty interesting person. This may come off weird but i never knew i could express myself well enough on a social platform. And some of my words set me thinking. I mean seriously, not a hint of self praise or anything but it sets me straight again. As a person, as me. It dawned to me that i might have changed, unknown to myself. Positively, quite. But as all humans do, I fail to see my negative change and i pray that it would be subtle. I mean, I sound like a dark, emo teenage girl trying to grow up. I am not, am I? This platform got me “talking” in ways I would never have to another living soul. So regardless of how i sound, i shall continue, for in months or years, days like today will come and i will look back at myself and go, “wow, i was interesting” again.

 

Surviving is important, Thriving is elegant. July 15.

oh hey im back again. i seem to always come here to procrastinate.


I wanted to write, like how I did a year ago on this very platform. But I don’t know how I should go about doing it. Think I said this before, that the very thing that attracts me to blogging, is the fact that I never know where I will ending up going. I used to draw whenever I feel like how I feel now. I guess things changed quite a bit then, now I seek another form of release. Is this good? Does this mean I have grown out of my little hermit shell and came to articulate myself with word, maybe soon, I could start being an extrovert? No one can really answer me that could they. Even sometimes the voices inside my head couldn’t. Don’t get me wrong. By voices I really meant me. Kinda like little mes all over my own imaginated land in my mind. They confuse me sometimes, as I do confuses myself. But they are the only one who sees the world as I do, who understands and decipher words like I do, and sing along when I am happy, dance with me when I am sad. No other living soul could do this, because no one can truely be in another’s shoes. Born differently we are, there’s a reason why we all have different shoe sizes. Even with the same weight or height, you do not necessarily have the same shoe sizes. I never know if someday someone might come along and make every single part of my confused mind make sense, or if one day I could do that to another person. When that day comes, will my life take a dramatic twist like in the movies, or just simply remain the same because like I seem to always do, miss out on the chances.

You see, I have always complained about how much envy I hold for extroverts. But never once did I go, hey, maybe I should do somethinf with myself so I could be one of them. No, because a large part of me fears, that be doing so I have lost. To what I do not know, but it definitely feels unsafe succumbing to the society’s mould.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” 
― Maya Angelou

I should stop complaining and wait for life to unfold, meanwhile giving my best in everything I do.

“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” 

“I don’t know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, ‘Well, if I’d known better I’d have done better,’ that’s all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, ‘I’m sorry,’ and then you say to yourself, ‘I’m sorry.’ If we all hold on to the mistake, we can’t see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can’t see what we’re capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one’s own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that’s rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don’t have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.” 
― Maya Angelou

 

Once again, I feel better already.

 

LOL THIS IMAGE IS HILARIOUS

 

i just realise again i do not have a title again. SO LYRICS IT IS!!!

OKAYY maybe not. Another Maya Angelou’s quote. Wise.

 

and more quotes and songs post which imma skip cept for this. 

” If you prick us, do we not bleed?

If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? 

And if you wrong us, do we not revenge?

If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.” 
― William Shakespeare

 

Recollection #2. July 16

It was all dark, a little gloomy. It looked like the scene i always see in older shows; a tad old and rundown corridor with doors down on either side. It was all black and white, like an old movie. A lullaby, or what sounded like a lullaby came on, but vaguely i could remember. It went like

” oh close all your doors before you go to bed, before it was all too late. For she will come bursting through the night, do not move, do not wake. oh before it was all too late”

The fact that it was sang out scares me. I, starting following this little girl with little pigtails, freckles around. Holding what seemed like a detective journal and pen, she went down the corridor. Something tells me its already around midnight and why she is out and why am i following her baffles me. Then it came. With what seemed like an ancient Victorian dress she wore and neatly permed hair the “lady” came out of nowhere and bursted into the first visible door. It was vivid, the fear on the couple faces, how tightly they held to the blanket with their eyelids trembling. It appears I am now on the wall, like a camera in films. i could clearly see the silhouette of the “lady”, because of the lights from the door i could not make out her face, and the couple. I was literaly praying for them to not move, to not open their eyes.

She raised her arm, holding an unknown weapon. And it came again. ” oh close all your doors before you go to bed, before it was all too late.–he opened his eyes–  For she will come bursting through the night, do not move, do not wake. –they moved— oh before it was all too late” Blood was splurting all over and even in black and white the scenario was hideous. It was obvious whoever singing was oblivious and apparently in joy. Room after room beds after beds, screams after screams. Just as i thought it was all over the little girl appeared again. As if investigating, she went into 1st room. Yes the one with the dead bodies. She did not flinch, upon the body. She went on to carress the bloodied toes, the blankets. I was screaming, or trying to, for her to run. Something tells me the “lady” is returning and then this small window on the corner of the room, came into view. It was directly on the ground and the girl opened the white window and stepped out and she stood outside that window, and turned around with a sheepish grin, “HA, i will be back for more.”

 

WOW. LIKE FUCK. I DONT EVEN READ OR WATCH HORROR STORIES.

i swear that killer lady is a ghost and that girl is like, what the fuck i dont even know why are you doing this to me. crap may i forget this now that i have released it out ith words.

oh yes the song. i never dreamt of songs before. THIS WAS SUNG TO ME, LIKE A PITCHY AND GIRLISH AND CREEPY. very, very creepy. gosh how long has it been, my last good night sleep.

I do not feel as much as you do, But i still do have emotions. July 24.

well?

am i living the way i wanted to? as much as i want to confidently shout, “YES, YES I AM”, i cannot. for this a fact. its not hard, im not asking for the future. i am hoping for the wishes all teens have.

sometimes i wish, i feel more. expresses more. but then again, the fear that by feeling too much i get overwhelmed lingers. lest it happens again, perhaps all shall stick to status quo. yeap.

Train of random irrelevancies. 

Completed my assignments ahead of schedule so im here again. Not the tutorials though. Just wanted to put my thoughts down because lately there are alot of what i call the “wimp wooing” activity going on around me and i felt oblidged to dedicate a post on it. Okay actually no i just could not find anyone to share this with, so yea. Let me elaorate on what i call the “Wimp Wooing” activity. Sometimes when a guy likes a girl, maybe not “like” but more of “interested-because-reasons” in a girl, what do they do? Nothing? Or approach confidently and when met with setback graciously retreat? Nah neither. At this time and age many just make full use of the technology to approach the girl. Texting, FB-ing but rarely talking. Face to face. in real life. Or maybe I am the type that really needs real life legit conversations but still….. I meant, for girls like me its easy for me to like you. If i like you you are probably my friend now and talking alot raises the Like meter. Not that i like like every one i talk to alot, but more like i like like you more if you showed me you do too. By legit conversations that i love. Previous post on scorpios i think i mention my like-o-meter depends on reactions. That probably why i hate virtual conversations. I know i am being kinda stereotypical here, like hey, some girls does it too! Girls happen to do this shit too why just mention the guys? Well firstly i am a female i do not care how females now show their love but how i was raised, the guys have to do the shit. And even worst for me, because words left unsaid does not exists. Action doesnt really count. I dont talk often, so my other half have to bring it out of me. Just my humble opinion.

oppa gangnam style. LOL

 

The Simple lack of her is more to me than others’ presence. –Edward Thomas. July 29.

i hate every single time you ask me something like you are really concerned, and then one of them just cuts the conversation while i talk, and then you just walk away.

 

because you will never understand how much i would like to share with you, and how happy i felt whenever you asked me about school. how much i yearn for your attention. and you wonder why your daughter never shares anything.

 

 

“Some people never say the words ‘I love you’, for like a child they’re longing to be told.”
― Paul Simon 

 

July 30.

AYEAYE.ikindawanttopostsomethingbutigotnoideahowtosoidecidedtostartwiththisirritatingstringoftexttogetsomeinspirationbutitseemstobeofnoaid so yea. okayyyyyyy. lemme go look for a topic.

 

okay back. HEHE my favorite book has this awesome quote,

“That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day.” 
– Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Not that i really understood the meaning, just, wanted to share. Talk about sharing, the exchange of intellectual and emotionalinformation during conversations still remains the rarity in life that i very much adore. As i always like to say, sharing is caring, especially food. And the only valuable conversations on virtual platforms ought to be the occasional long words of exchange in text with Jumie.

 

 

Did anyone also realised everyone has a unique scent, like i can recognise friends by scent. NOT TRYNA SOUND LIKE A SICK PERV WHO SMELLS HER FRIENDS ON DAILY BASIS, but seriously…….

 

 

 

Take away that expression you had imprinted on your face whenever in a crowd, remove that smiley eyes, that friendly laugh, that tense body position,

What are you? Are we the same? All of the walls and protection gone, could all of us be as vulnerable as each other, could we finally fit together, outside society’s mould?

 

 

 

just, kinda feeling poetic. hmmmmmmm

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 龟毛 

 

好像有时,又有一点机车。你们看到了吗?我的另类中种种的怪。那因岁月慢慢的渐渐的,不敢偷漏给身边的人看,因为害怕,因为担心, 因为累了。微笑当然容易,但纯真的微笑有谈何容易? 如果我轻易的一笑能让那些我不认为应该为我担忧的人忽视原因,那何乐而不为呢?

 

 

what would be 龟毛, perhaps interested parties could visit the chinese urban dictionary HAHAHAHAH. just a random thought. seeing my post it seems i always get this tinge of melochony when blogging. yeah but i think i am going to be a product of society’s mould, but i dont want to. and now im haf way in between, neither there nor here. where i am the most comfortable would be neither smiling nor talking, but this equates to only pessimistic views out there. so i have to do the things that made me uncomfortable, now i do it naturally, i wonder if i have changed for the ‘better’, or just simply became void.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In my funeral, I want everyone to drop me a lovely pot of Gekka Bijin. August 12.

HI.

I am back again. I desperately hope this is my last post till my exams are over because I really need to get my ass over to studying. But since I am waiting for the bathroom for shower right now, I thought i would use this time to share.

 

Whilst talking to mom and sis our conversation drifted to the topic of left handers, well in the case, me. We talked about how my pre-school teacher slapped my hand because I used my left hand to grab the food ( she’s a Muslim and Muslims dont use their left hand for food because its dirty or something, i think.) and also how I fractured my left wrist in kindergarden. Both of them has a common point. I only cried when I saw my mother.

It wasnt that I dont feel pain and wronged, it was maybe just my young self being all afraid to express emotions. For reasons unknown. Or maybe I just didnt want to. But I have no idea exactly because despite efforts, my memory seems to only start when I was 10. What I meant was, I only remember things that happened starting from when I was 10 years old. However I do, vividly, remember the look on the pre-school teacher’s face when she slapped me, and image of me entering class after having chicken pox in pre-school, and a boy said ” WEIZHU! YOU ARE BACK!” across the room. I have no idea who he was and whether we are aqquianted. Sad, would be the word I give for my lack of memories. Perhaps I should google why.

 

I love fireworks.

Actually I do enjoy alot of things, my joy is just not expressed as the norm does. Sometimes even I dont understand what I am feeling, so pardon my expressions. I am still learning, how to be better yet out of society’s mould.

 

I miss dancing. I miss the stage. I miss the confidence it brought to this little introverted girl. I miss the smile the grin the laughter it could naturally get out of me. I cant find it, even in Taekwondo.

 

 

 

 

 

Society of Black Sheep. August 30. 

HOHOHOHOHOHOHOH

 

OHYEAH, OHYEAH, OH YEAH, MY EXAMS, ARE OVER, OH YEAH

.

.

.

.

.

.

okay I have no idea why I typed ‘happy’ because till now i had yet felt the thrill of post exam europhia. But I guess just being able to blog made me happy. 

 

 

Alot happened and most of all, sadly was again forgotten. I wonder if its an illness, me forgetting stuff.. Its not good you know. But I think, when it comes to the point when a certain goal becomes so important it stings, I could really work hard. But my best, I have not the slightest idea. The tltle was the name of a shop i passed by just now at Marina Bay Sands Shopping Centre (?- as a singaporean yes, do i have confidence that i know the exact name, no). Side note, I probably would not go there again for they do not have one single thing to my interest, well unless I am a filthy rich taitai who buy stuff just because they look nice and without looking at the pricetag buys every shit.

You know one of the things I truly fear is, when someone, a friend for that matter, feels something I never felt. Especially in terms of melochony. It really kind of digs into my soul. I felt that, I ought to do something to help. This would not be the case where we sit together and they talk I listen and it all ends with me cracking a joke and us hugging and everything gets slightly better. I’m good at that. But more of, the I-have-something-but-i-am-not-saying-because-of-reasons kind of thing, I dont really care because, to mention again, I only care of what is told and spoken off. However the fact that the feeling is shown and let out, I cant not feel guilt but there’s nothing I can do. Well maybe that would be life for me.

Well I am going to China soon, for my overseas internship, lets hope i would still be able to blog there.

 

 

 

 

Thousands of wishes thrown, perhaps one will reach God.

 

Altho i prefer Tea.

So I have got this idea mid exams, that maybe I could start posting a series of posts, from time to time, on

Me.

 

Hence the topic, Soup of My Life. kinda like chicken soup the book series but instead of chicken its me in a sense. I hope the topic thing functions like a tag or something like in tumblr because i would like to track it. Maybe this makes people like me understand me.

 

OK lets start.

 

 

1) I really like flatten bread. if i have yet mentioned this.

2) I like smiling, but I find it hard to.

3) Sometimes (everytime) i talk to myself in the middle of nowhere, questioning myself like an antifan of myself.

4) Alot of things irritate me, and i hate that i am like this.

5) I really like spinning short stories on my own, regardless of how horrendous they turn out to be.

 

 

thats five. bye.

 

This is the first of my personal sharing tag in thought. But i guess i will leave it there. I will post similarly if i want to then.

 

“Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we’re quoting.” — John Green

 

 

 

 

 

喜欢寂寞
词曲:吴青峰
主唱:苏打绿

如今故事发展成就一个我
学会了生活能享受寂寞
剧烈的语言变成温柔
又带来了什么
若是不曾走过怎么懂
当时奋不顾身伸出我的手
看见了轮廓就当作宇宙
甜美的习惯变成生活
才了解了什么
如今故事发展成就一个我
学会了生活能享受寂寞
剧烈的语言变成温柔
又带来了什么

若是不曾走过怎么懂

 

“I study saints and scholars both but no perfect plan unfurls. ” October 17.

Just suddenly thought of this conversation with Too, i told her i was confused about how i thought i hated people touching me. It came to the conclusion that, i just hate people i dont like touching me. And my life is full of hates and dislike so i prolly hate most of the people touching me. So, yeah. But i still dont know why i am like this. prolly because i am weird as hell. Even I dont understand me, how could i anticipiate anyone else to do so?

 

Sometimes no matter how loud you scream, it drowns into the crowd. October 22.

 

I dont but it seems like nowadays I dont feel like myself. Even when I saw Q and the homies, its like i have a million stuff to say but none of it got to my throat. A teenage phase? I hope, for it means it will pass. Because I feel insecure right now, like its out of my control, and I really cant deal with not being in control. Of my life, of my emotions, of my path.

 

 

Is it true what they say, 
are we too blind to find a way? 
Fear of the unknown clouds our hearts today.
Come into my world, 
see through my eyes. 
Try to understand, 
don’t want to lose what we have. 

We’ve been dreaming 
but who can deny, 
it’s the best way of living 
between the truth and the lies. 

Chorus: 
See who I am, 
break through the surface. 
Reach for my hand, 
let’s show them that we can 
free our minds and find a way. 
The world is in our hands, 
this is not the end. 

Fear is withering the soul 
at the point of no return. 
We must be the change 
we wish to see. 
I’ll come into your world, 
see through your eyes. 
I’ll try to understand, 
before we lose what we have. 

We just can’t stop believing 
because we have to try. 
We can rise above 
their truth and their lies. 

I hear their silence 
preaching my blame. 
Will our strength remain 
if their power reigns?

— See Who I Am, Within Temptation.

 

“I’ll come into your world, See through your eyes. I’ll try to understand, Before we lose what we have. ” October 26

Spongebob: What do you do when i was gone?

Patrick: Waiting for you to come back.

 

Silly and seemingly retarded, yet beautifully sweet.

Sometimes things happens to me and it became so unexplainable in my mind, I felt out of control. Out of my control, and I panic, and fear when I loose control over myself. Why I did certain actions and acted in certain ways, its like I know why it happened, and then on the flipside I don’t. This self contradiction I know since I’m sane seems to be spiralling out of control. It feels great sometimes, to not care so much and follow myself, and at times it felt so scary, so foreign and following myself seems to be the last logical thing to do. I do not know what I am feeling, not now. But perhaps it would be to my advantage. And perhaps no. All’s that to be known I want to know, for reasons unexplainable. Like what I am feeling. 

 


I am here again, not because I got nothing to do (for now I shall be straight up I have tutorials to complete so i am current procrastinating) but I wanted to blog. I needed a space to just keep typing what I feel so I could go on for days feeling like an empty sheet of paper, and when it got filled up again, I would do this again. Its like a recycle of some sort, if I could only find a better word to describe it. However school has been great, lesson wise and lesson wise only. The best was needless to say, training. But I missed a training today because of my lack of proper time management. I hope it will all still be good. POL-ITE is coming and I really do not want to let anyone down, especially myself. Till then, GOOD BYE MY AWESOME RECYCLE BIN. At least you wouldnt be gone after 30 days.

 

Life aint a bed of roses but,

 

 

But I don’t find myself appealing. November 3.

6) Fear is such a vague word. An overused word of description, a widely accepted reason for extreme emotions. Most people have one, thats why most people understands and forgive them in others. But when you really have “fear” in your life, what does it actually adds up to? What if it isn’t fear, but feelings of frustrate and irritation and disgust, and them adding up together makes you unsure of what you actual feel toward that particular event/object/living thing, so you just assume it to be fear? And what would be real fear? Of death? Of sickness and diseases? Of that one animal that attacked you when you were a kid? Or of that one person who did you harm? You know i used to think i have none. But i think it isn’t true now. I have them.

I fear that when i grow old, my joints will totally give way.

I fear that if i go to the doctor’s tomorrow, i might get bad news.

I fear that one day, I will end up with a digestive system that no longer functions.

I fear having to feel alone everyday in the mist of crowds.

I fear, that if i care more than the other parties, I just get vulnerable.

But are they even fears? I am not even sure of it.

 

 

This is by far the longest point so far, tho its only no.6.

And i think its fun to put my reply to the pictures as the title.

Its like me talking, more realistic compared to the other posts not of this topic although i only have this one topic.

But anyway lets just continue.

 

 

7) When people are nice to me I get really scared, I dont show it tho and I dont know why it happens. My heartbeat increases and i sweat. I rarely sweat on my palms.

 

8) Some people go pass my standards really easily. I dont know why either. Its like BAM and i trust them enough to share and i laugh more.

 

9) I love non-fiction books. Biographies, murder case files and survival journals.

 

10) I learn something about myself everytime i speak to myself. Its like reading a book but you have to walk around to pick up the pages scattered across the room.

 

 

Next time i would go back to this topic again.

Praying that by then i dont have to go to the doc’s again.

 

 

 

” Bad stuff happens. You can wallow in it and feel sorry for yourself, or you can get on with things. Be a grownup, be a man, be reliable and depenable. Love your wife and daughter. Succeed. Forget about brutuality. It’s old, it’s over. It can’t hurt you anymore.

Ah, but brutuality was real. You could wish it gone, you could try to geld it, but you knew it was there. It was what lurked underneath. If you fell down into it there was no point in screaming for help, because no one would come.”  

– The Suicide Index

 

This is the second of that mentioned tag. If noticed, i normally answer the picture with my title.

 

Through vines and thorns I saw the light. November 17

I learnt alot today. The amount of feelings and emotions i felt today was everything learnt. I saw my mistakes my stubborns. And saw through my wants and desire. I saw that, perhaps what i thought i want isnt really for me. I am not refering to the resultstoday by the way, more of talking about companionship i crave. Its not what i truely want because i had a lil thought of how it isnt worth it. I am too judgemental, so i reach a conclusion fast. I am going to step back now, leave the game if we might be playing one, i thought i wasnt.

 

She is not like the other girls, i know.

Thats part of the lyrics of my current favorite song of The Rasmus. It sounded so addictive to me out of nowhere and now its on loop.

But why so late into the night, or should i perhaps say early in the morning that i am blogging its that i felt like telling someone or sometime what has been bothering me. I felt like, for the first time in my life i liked someone. But it is so complicated i almost hate this feeling. Its like sometimes you are as close as Jake and Finn and the next day its like we dont even know one and other. Why do you have to go doing stuff and actions to me and make me feel this hated feeling of happiness when i feel like we are talking again. this such i feel out of control and vulnerable. i hate it. But soon i guess i will get over this, and like TOO said ” just ditch him and go for the other one. he is perfect” i know. but i will be a real bitch if i do so. so i wont. so get me out of this distress? where is my knight in shining armour?

 

A lot of questions i have got here. November 12.

But let my book tell them.
“If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. So why would I care whether or not he loved me when he didn’t really even know me?”

“Do you always think this much, Charlie?” “Is that bad?” “Not necessarily. It’s just that sometimes people use thought to not participate in life.” “Is that bad?” “Yes.”

“Charlie, don’t you get it? I can’t feel that. It’s sweet and everything, but it’s like you’re not even there sometimes. It’s great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn’t need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that? You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things. Like take their hands when the slow song comes up for a change. Or be the one who asks someone for a date. Or tell people what you need. Or what you want. Like on the dance floor, did you want to kiss me?”

I’m just thinking too fast– much too fast.

I don’t like my birthday. I don’t like it at all.

“Please, don’t do this to yourself, Charlie.” But I did do it to myself. Like I do every year on my birthday.


Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they’re not, they will be soon enough.

 

too many . November 8

I was walking home today, and it was raining. Pretty much a downpour, the kind of rainy days I like. However while i walked home, a sense of unknown feeling washed over me and, i felt like crying. Dont get me wrong, i was not sad or angry, much less stressed up. I was actually feeling pretty neutral. I have not felt like this for such a long time i almost forgot how it feels like. Maybe it has been too long, or perhaps its true when people say when you cry you get rid of toxic in your body and i needed to do so because it has been piling up. Or maybe i just dont know what i am feeling. I think i am fine but i could be at the brink. It could also be so that because i am growing in like a weeks time. Maybe i am afraid, or maybe just emotional for reasons. But whatever it is i hope it goes away.

I didnt cry if it interests you. I wouldnt. But i know i could.

 

Wallflower. November 7.

Kinda told myself I can’t possibly blog until the week ends because I literally have tonnes of tutorials left undone and its already the fourth fucking week. But I just wanted to share something here. Sometimes I wonder my urge to blog is because I have not one to share my thoughts to. No one that would listen, and then smile and give me their opinion, at the same time not judging mine. But anyway I was reading Perks of Being a Wallflower. I find it, intriguing. It sounded like me, or perhaps it sounded like a part, a side of everyone. Or almost everyone. A wallflower, “you see things. you keep quiet about them. and you understand.” Some point in life you observe, and you understand. But not everyone keeps quiet about it though. Why I found similarity between us is that, I always get people telling me to stop thinking so much. But how can I? Thinking is not something within my grasp. Sometimes I just sit and I just, think. Why did I wake up late today? Why arent me and my friends not talking as much as usual? Why is that lady wearing like that? Why is he talking to me? Why, did i walk out of my home this morning feeling confused? They are endless, and i can’t help it. It goes on throughout the day so I try to keep myself focused in conversations with friends real hard. But as i grow it grows too. I think alot more, the topic became more diverse. And the worst part is, i feel alot more than before, about what i think. It scares me, because i lose control of what i feel.

 

So I decided to find another place to go and figure out why peopole go there. Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of places like that. I don’t know how much longer i can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before i knew what having a friend was like. It’s much easier not to know things sometimes. And to have french fries with your mom is enough. 

—- Perks of Being a Wallflower

 

Maybe perhaps thats why I don’t like probing people for stuff. If they think it is for me to know, they would tell me. Maybe thats why i held the mindset of how everyone don’t feel anything unless they speak of it.

 

 

 

And thats the last of it. May my journey here be sweet and rad. 

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