2011.

This is kinda saddening. I had thoughts since 2011 July. No long but i had hundred of posts. But anyway i will copy those i want to keep here.

This was my 1st ever post, and so on. 

i remember having a blogger before, when i was young and dumb. it apparently didnt went well as i, i guess i just dont have the gift to talk or even type in such a way people wont misunderstand. straightforward? i dont know. it probably didnt go through my brain and it’s one of those events i expect to haunt me through my life.

unless i got hit by a rock and roll down the stairs and crash into the wall. thus losing my memory.

but to get to the point, i felt i needed to improve my english. hehe ok jk, i guess i wanted a medium with no word limits, coughtwittercough, or is a weird platform filled with strangers. i wanted to know if people cared enough to read my thoughts. yes i think this is my way of wanting attention, but im still a human with needs and desires.

as i age i hope i have grown, matured and improve for the better. maybe that’s why i wanted to start this, record the thoughts and feelings i have, and maybe when i graduate, i can look though all my posts. and hopefully feel satisfied.

At the end. July 07

I used blame the 12 year old me for not studying, for landing myself peihwa. of course its all excuses. Excuses arent supposed to lead me in my life. But at the Os, it seems like the same thing ‘s happened all over again. This, is not longer valid.Yes you studied, but is it your best? NO.

But I still got into the course i wanted, or the course i thought i wanted. The problem is, I did have goals. But its wasnt DASE. I dreamt of being in Psychology, or Architect. But my sister was saying, my mother was saying, everyone was saying, these courses in poly is just digging your own grave. Apparently if you did well of course you will still get to uni and have a bright future ahead. Maybe they understand me better then myself, maybe i didnt desire it enough to defend it. Nevertheless, Im now in dase hence i will do my best to do well. Or i think i will my best.

Sometimes i wish im the type who panics a lot, gets butterflies in their stomach when there are tests, quizzes, exams. So i worry, i will get anxious, and maybe put in my heart and soul.But its hard. To people, to studies, it felt like i couldnt care less. I didnt like that.Change, it’s easy to say. Stubborn old me tried, maybe a little, but give up. Why should i change? But again i believe it would be for the better so i had to force it.

I think i lied i couldnt care less. For people that is. Its like i get really jealous for random things. Like how my friends had a private conversations without me; how they shared secrets; how other people could start conversations so easily; how they actually make friends like its as easy as eating; how they talk to guy like its normal. Not that it isnt. But i cant do it. Scary or hard, i dont know. I care, a lot because they could do what i couldnt.Because they make things seem so easy, they sometimes i appeared not to htimes make me feel, whats that word, oh well just uncomfortable. This made me felt that i was being double faced. Thus guilty,i dont know why. Because deep inside i always feel things i appeared not to.

Okay im digressing. I really like this medium. Its not like twitter where i talk to people, where i spazz about my favourite celebrities(so is tumblr) . Not like facebook, where friends are not strangers, and random gossips, people i have only seen before lurk around. Thus i think i wrote things i never said down. This isnt private, so i will have to see, if people actualy cared enough to read these, if not, its private in a sense isnt it?

I saw my friends crying, whining, venting their anger out because of poly. To quote it was like a hell hole. I dont know about them, but i find mine fine. Like my classmates are sometimes scary, funny, childish. But they seemed nice. The people from my course too, i sensed the competitiveness, but they arent bad. maybe i dont know majority of them, but i believe deep down everyone is the same. Colors languages are just a thin lines.

okay maybe it only applies to certain people. im racist and i admit it. Being in SG i guess i was taught this way, but racist thoughts aside, they are humans too. No matter how stinky, smelly, slutty they are, they arent born this way. society shaped it.

Maybe its the world that we shaped, shaped us in return.

 

I shared a music video on breakdown. and quoted the lyrics. guess i was feeling blue then.

 

 

Sometimes, i like to dream. July 13

I sometimes dream, about a beautiful life story. Being swept off my feet by my Prince Charming. Maybe not Prince Charming, i prefer Knights in shining armor. Or maybe like the Taiwanese and Korean dramas’ male lead. Those suave and tall guy who always seemed to fall in love the sweetest way. But i guess it will never happen to me cause i always find the female leads dumb and dumber. Too kind hearted, too dramatic and stuff. I am like in B1 and they are like at level 100.

Oh well. I will just pretend to believe in the saying that goes “God makes you wait because he is making someone really special for you.”

Just a few days ago me and classmates started talking about the guys topic. Kinda sensitive but is was hilarious to see how they drill information out. Being totally in experience i guess i asked alot of awkward question. Like when how you meet him? How did he confess? How long is it already? HEHE  AWKWARD MUCH BUT IM BORN A CONVERSATION KILLER. Neeways appeared i was the only one who, IDK how to put this. HAHAHAHA INNOCENT? hokay me and my high self esteem. To continue, I derived a fact from the conversation. Its damn awkward if a guy asks you out via sms. I shall keep my hopes up for the “special” guy. Who dont depend on sms, fb or call to ask me out, and are proud to announce me to his friends. It maybe me just me, but seeing her with him i feel really bad. Like, it just looks wrong to me and this makes me guilty. Im being to stereotypical and superficial. But who can help not being judgmental when it comes to looks? Especially for me, HEIGHT.

OK back to me dreaming, sometimes it gets too overwhelming and i could even feel sinful. Like everyone must have at least one eye candy and favorite celebrities before and i wonder, do you people imagine? Like WHAT IF you two are together, and WHAT IF he likes you too? So many WHAT IFs and I HOPEs. Sometimes i really really wish it could have, but there’s the gut feeling of truth telling me its not going to.

When i say dream i didnt mean you being cosy and sleeping deep during bedtime, but the time spent day dreaming and the time spent awake just lying on the bed before bedtime. About the impossible. These sometimes, idk but i realy hope it’s true. And iwonder, like how i find people cute or even hot, am i deemed the same way? i BET I THOUGHT TOO MUCH. OH WELL :O

 

I would like to say thank you. July 15

Plenty of meanings, definitions and principles in life differ to each and every one of us. What deemed right might be wrong and vise versa. Many times I’ve done silly things, said hurtful words. And most of the time, I believe i did it intentionally. I can totally say I am the kind that think through my words a lot. Especially in serious situations.  However, how can one control themselves in an adrenaline rush?

if i say you look ugly, you probably does. because i find it hard to lie. and if i say i like you, its totally true as well.

I think that’s why my life has people entering and leaving. Plenty. They come in, got tired and left. Yes i do mean friends. I have to admit I am kinda weird. To stay they got to get use to my defaults, awkward silences and getting their conversation killed. Not to mention random topic change and expressionless reactions. I am not the perfect friend, but I hope i will be at least a worthy friend. It’s hard, now that i realise, to get close to girls unless you share some secrets. Especially now. Or you are just, out. But how to? IDK someone teach me. What to say? To be honest i couldn’t care less about your life. If there’s a need you will tell me. Asking about it to me is just plain bitchy.

And now I am really really thankful to my feathers. As what we call ourselves. 😀 Really thank you. HAH although i knew you did judged me before but at least you told me, but neeways so did i. And i would like to say something to you.

In primary school, i guess i was my true self. (sometimes i wish i could go back to that character) I rarely talk don’t i? I didn’t care about other people. But you were there. I so sorry i didn’t realise till we were in sec3. D; And  to the life im finally conscious of, we became close in pri5. Actually to be honest, i couldn’t remember much of that too. But i do remember the 3 of us promised to be close in secondary school. I’m sorry i broke it. It seems to me at that time, friends aren’t the most important thing. Surviving is. But all i could do now is to offer my apologies. And as time passes, we were back in the same class again. Its like making a new friend again. Its so wrong and i keep feeling the guilt. Because you were lonely. I knew that feeling. with no one to go to. But you still see me as a friend,a good one. To me it felt like a blessing. To have you and the others with me till now. I will not break the same promise again. I’m working on my part, to learn how to be the first one to reach out.

i would like to say thank you. for being there. even when i left 🙂 it meant a lot. 

and i really hope you will see this. Oh well, even if you didn’t, i have already planned to write a longass letter to you. And of course to the others.

 

and then i shared a video of the lyrics of What If, by the Plain White T’s.

 

Procrastination and ….. my talents. July 22

Everything and everything. I do procrastinate. The worst thing about it is that i actually rather write this whiny post about procrastination and me procrastinating than to do my tutorials. Facepalm situation. Oh well. It will be done somehow or rather.

I don’t know why but i wake up everyday and start a staring battle with my work, the chores and proceed on to continue the battle with the tv programs and the web. Like its nothing wrong. I usually won’t feel the guiltiness impact till the day before the deadline. Same thing for exams. I wonder if it’s a good point or not. I guess not, because i disappointed myself. Ok i will not continue on as i wanted this to be a happier post. Maybe close enough but you know its a happy post like the ‘congratulatory post to myself’.

BUT ANYWAY, i feel like potato everyday and it not cool. Not. One. Bit. My goal every new year was to stop playing and slacking and nuaing and study and be a hard working determined girl. Apparently it didnt work out or else i won’t be here writing this post.

Talking about NY, last year’s countdown was the first my sister spent outside. ANNND a lot of my friends. That was when it actually dawned to me, i felt lonely. I thought to myself will you want to spent my countdown with anyone? And it turns out, no one. So maybe im not lonely, but a loner. Maybe there’s not yet someone i want to share my moments with. Will there be one i will not know, but for now, I am glad to have my homies with me but sometimes, its a special kind of company you want. i want.

And about friends, I really glad my class were really great as compared to my friends’. They were always talking about having bitches , pyschos in their social circle. But i have to say mine currently, for the time being, are actually nice. Well i admit i wasn’t friendly enough to talk to them, partly because i am afraid of the response. You know it took my friends months to know me. I had to sit beside them everyday and then i started to open up to them and thats when my weirdness come out but thats another issue. i think im fun if you know me. And even though my classgirls have only know me for a while they knew i have a high self esteem. Ya i think so too. i mean, when people praises you, you either say”oh no you were better” or “thankyou” . either way they will have something to comment so might as well admit and acknowledge what you have done ya? Anyway its right to feel proud of yourself.

Look at my digression power. I think thats why im conversation killer. Like my natural talent. I think all my friends agree, i kill conversations mercilessly. No matter how vibrant or interesting it is. I wonder if people stalk my blog. HI THERE. I HOPE YOUKNOW TO WRITE THIS AMOUNT OF TEXT IT TOOK ME HOURS. SO SORRY IF I KILED YOUR CONVERSATION BEFORE. PLEASE STILL TALK TO ME. please. NEEWAYS. As you might already guess i bring awkwardness with me everywhere. It my BFF now i swear.

And maybe one day it will get better, but i find being awkward and a excellent conversation killer is my traits, and people who look past that and into me,  i thank you for making the effort to know me. And accept. You have no damn idea what it means to me.

 

Every rain find its way into someone’s soul. August 20

Today, I questioned myself on my definition of beauty.

I was on the train to school this morning, and seating directing opposite me was a lady. She had a double chin, her thigh was twice of mine, and she has crooked teeth. I judged. I did. Then, she picked up a call on her cellphone. And then she smiled. It was like she was genuinely happy to take that call. That smile, was beautiful. She suddenly lost the least bit of unpleasantness.

Sometimes in life, or should i say majority of my life, I looked at physically appealing people. Be it females or males, appearances does play a big part of my daily judging. I judge, I make a mental note. However there are times the thought of beauty in everyone and kindness in every soul still brushes past my mind. The society we grew up in, isn’t it the worst out of us all? The ugliness, does in fact lies in each of us. However, it was in my favor that i saw beauty, in people deemed the opposite. For that, I hope i would not change.

 

As easy as it is to find others beautiful, i find it hard to do so for myself. How hard it is, to look upon myself as a beautiful being in my own way? It was said everytime you look and someone wishing you were like them, another person was looking at you, thinking the same way. This is enough to prove how beauty differ in everyone’s eyes. But sometimes, things just don’t seem that way.

I’m tired. August 1

I don’t know what exactly am i tired of. In fact im tired of the fact that im tired. Makes sense?

I expect things to go slow. But i guess i was too slow to grasp the pace of life. Now im struggling to grab it’s flying cape as events zoomed past. This, is tiring. Sometimes i feel irritated by myself. I was given the chance to be born in Singapore, a safe place. Even though my family isnt well off, i get my 3 meals a day and get to go to school. I know people all over the world has problem filling their stomachs, not to say get proper education. But at times like this, i will compare myself to people better off. And its not a good feeling.I dont like it and i dont know why im doing it again and again. It’s like a vicious cycle, I get motivated, finally viewing my state in a brighter light and BAM. I start to go all the way down. Like a emotional rollercoaster everyday. I mentioned I get jealous really easily. Maybe thats why. I am just jealous.

A full mooner’s emotions go through extremes, often not knowing what they want or understand themselves. They are easily swayed.

School’s school. And i rather mine has the usual drama. I am not sure it’s me being awkward or people around me are. There’s always this line, like we can never be close. I don’t like it. But im still scared of strangers. Especially males. I dont know why either and i hope they are not offended.

And there’s this issue with me. I get really, really REALLY irritated by habits of people. For example, how some people like to talk a lot, like how they like to laugh after every freaking sentence, like how they find a need to freaking talk to people they dont know well. How they say they are weak and shit(to me it’s like fake. when you ARE weak you wont say it fgs.). The worst is how people dont answer straight to the point and dont know what they want. AND I DONT KNOW WHY I FIND THESE IRRITATING. Its like they are not wrong. They are just being themselves. But when it happens i feel this sense of disgust and loath towards them, and after that its just very hard for me to treat them the same way again. Maybe not for the people who talk a lot. Thats probably because i couldnt do that nor keep up so i am jealous. You people got no idea how great it is to be able to articulate your every thought. Not everyone could do it.

have you heard the song? just like her, i want to be pretty.

 

September 11.

Recently my mom was having this random chat with my sister. A chat on friendship and how she should not tell every friend her thoughts and well, stuff. As usual i was just sitting there minding my own business and the topic went on to be about me.

They seemed to be at ease at the fact i dont really tell my friends the stuff most friends do. But i dont. In fact i hate it. You know how knowing things other people dont makes a friend feel? For me i feel trusted, i feel reliable. Most of all, i felt that i was a friend. And as people tell me about their life, their family and even their relationship problems that i have never experienced, i felt guilty. I felt that i was suppose to let them know about my stuff too. I know this thinking is wrong, they didnt share personal stuff with me because they wanted to exchange. Its not a kind of business. However its something i could not help feeling.

Once i tried. I told someone about something i have never told anyone. I hated the reaction i got. That was the last time i actually held a conversation with her. yeah. i guess i am that kind of a person. Actually, even the closest of my friends. I have always wanted to talk to them. Maybe letting things off i will learn to express myself better. But i cant. In Heart to Heart talks i play the role whom would sit. I wont say im the listener, because i dont think im up to it. Its like, except telling people my material likes and the members in my family i dont have any thing else to say. Its so hard.

This is a blog post as stated. ok i have expressed my thoughts. it is always easier to articulate myself by writing. Be it online or in my diary. I do have a diary. But its really personal.

 

The reason why people chose not to be gloomy on the outside. September 20

Lately i have been just rotting at home watching cartoons. So much so that i think im getting dumber and dumber as days passes and soon i will be as dumb as a monkey who doesnt know what is bananas. Anyway i wanted to keep the blog thing alive as much as i could throughout my poly years so it will be like a kind of diary(?) and stuff. Even when my updates are boring and shitty.

And so, my day started pretty awesome shit. I intended to camp in front of my laptop to wait for the release of my semester results at 12am. Even when it was told to me that the email will probably be late a few hours, i WAS determined to wait it out. [was ya past tense.]  But so as typical me i went to bed at 12.15am. LMAO COULDNT BLAME SHIT. i decide to wait till 1230am and officially sleep.

if you have yet know, for me sleep and food was above all. yes even above humans.

For some unknown reasons i woke up at 6.15am. Like not those awake wake up but more of those sudden opening of eyes and you realise you have your senses back but if hard to move and your vision is like a frosted glass. and BAM. I THANK MY DAD FOR DATA PLAN. I SAW THE EMAIL. for like that 1 minute as i read through the email i was totally awake. i was really glad that i was awake because i was happy. like real happy kidda like those hey-i-just-found-1000-bucks-on-the-floor-and-it-is-now-mine happiness if you are moneyminded. ya i am a little. 😀 😀

ALLOW ME TO DROWN IN MY MOMENT OF CELEBRATION

 

 

.

……

…….

….

ok pardon me. 😀

well my friends who didnt do up till their own expectations, know you are awesome and i always are up to study sessions! you know who you are. oh well. thats all. XOXOXOXOXO

 

P.S the rsaf person called and i declined the first interview. AM I RIGHT? OMG CONFUSED :3

P.P.S. I THINK IM DEPRIVED. I KEEPING DREAMING OF DATES. GOD SAVE MY SOUL.

 

October 4.

you know those day you wake up in the morning and feel like shit? not literally a dung but, those feelings of random gloominess, tiredness and you just dont feel, happy. everything is a tad negative. well today for me wasnt one of those days. but i just felt like writing about those days when i am more, like clear-in-the-emotion-department.

when im in those days, i hate talking. no like i talk alot even normally but its like i shut up more. and everything just feels like its against me. i knock onto the door, the table and any available furniture. there isnt food in the house, my sis took the bathroom when i need it an my parents are still at home. ya i kinda hate it when both of them are at home. and if it happens on school days it just feels even worst. its like the teachers are out to get you and friends just piss me off. by anything. and this is when i get pissed of at myself after that. at that time its like the friends are dumb enough to not notice you are irritating people with your own godknowswhat problems. but irl, they know. and the point of knowing sth is wrong yet they couldnt do anything will soon reach the brim when you just piss yourself so much you spread you grumpiness to all of them. and the next day, it will be all back to normal for you back the negativity remains in the others.

its just, is it how the world works? before if the world is all about balance, it fits.

no one knows what positive is until negative shows up. there would not be good unless there is evil.

 

I keep thinking that one day, it will be me. October 14.

ho. Its a week right, since my last entry. if not it certainly feels like one week. one whole week. of school.

and hey news. I am sick. again. OTL

 

i hate being sick. though it does has its undeniable pros like getting extravagant food i rarely do enjoy and having the family treating you better and you get away with house chores. hey that actually sounds pretty well awesome. but not when you feel like you are freaking digesting yourself every second and the pain is, if i describe it with my limited vocabulary, is hot and gripping and almost spicy. all in your stomach. every mealtime is torture as the gastric juices will appear to party from dawn till dusk and their pathway through, boy you know EVERY INCH. it felt like an inner volcano. to add up i just got to have sorethroat. YES AGAIN. remember i mentioned a package deal? yeah couldnt escape that too. the fever the sore-ness the intensely blocked nose leading to blocked ears and my voice lost. the worst part is the lost of appetite. i dont feel like eating especially when swallowing is like forcing 50cent coin into your nose. but if i dont the damned juices will get high and go crazy.

seriously what is life.

but on a serious note, that night, i whispered to myself in the dark, i asked if there is God. i am not really a believer. My parents are Taoist and i got friends believing in almost all different religion. I just thought there might be a higher being up there, someone like God or a guardian angel. but i never placed my faith in anyone, or any being in that sense. but the pain was unbearable, it was like my whole body was falling apart. I asked if the Higher being is there. i asked if he/she could help me. i said if you were there, can you make me feel better? coincident or not, the fever and the pain in the throat was gone by morning and, for me it was really hard to doubt it. i dont have a belief in any religion still, but i believe there is somebody there who could look out for me.

and dont people always say as a human, we all need to put our faith in something, religion or such, in order to live on as you have a strong hold to rely on. this reminds me of a story,

There was a doctor, a firm non believer who denies the exists of any God. I dont rmb the full story but, i rmb the part his brother fell ill and die from the illness. and he cried and only could blame himself as a doctor he couldnt save his only brother. He told a believer that they could believe God took their loved ones to a better place or that its all God’s will, but him? He couldnt even blame anyone. The subject of intense remorse, blame will at some time be too strong for us to handle. why not believe in something and perhaps, it will be the door which allows you to move on in the end. real or just myths, not one really know, and ichoose to believe its real. because if not, the world is too ugly for us to cope with.

i got to post it here so i wont feel like im bothering people with the rant. i mean i didnt force you beside and say it to you, you read it yourself didnt you? 🙂 

and this is a long rant. didnt expect that.

PEACE!

why roses have thorns. November 9.

I hate people who have no phobias, do not understand the severity of it and yet make fun of people with it.

there i said it. even if you are my friends, really really close. the more you should understand.

 

many people are afraid of many things, but not all have a phobia.

A phobia is a phobia, no matter how stupid is it about.

 

yes its illogical i fear small dogs. but fuck it. you dont experience what i go through every time i see one so cant you people just leave it be and leave me alone?  sometimes these insensitive bitches should just drown in a shark tank.

 

my post are lately so short and angsty.

such is life

 

Words from the roses, may be trusted after all.

The Lord says, I derive, its all good. Things might not be going the way i have expected, maybe i had prepared for the wrong journey afterall. And maybe soon, i will guided to the right path. They are right, having trust is the only way you remove burdens and move on with life like a free bird. And this tiny bird, is growing up. Grow to learn, to fall, to stand, to fly. Soon one day, will soar in the borderless sky, with the atmosphere as the limit.

i wont want to die because of a lack of oxygen dont i? 😀

sometimes i procrastinate so much the actual act of procrastination is being procrastinated. but it will all change. the belief will be strong enough to pull the bird out and upwards towards the beauty of the nightsky. And for that, i pray for each of us.

 

 

 

ps. i really hope above anything else, soon everyone in this world will have at least a pair of shoes to wear.

 

Alienation. November 14.

I always thought i understood myself. But as it all turns out, maybe i dont. In life i have friends. I wont dare to say many, for people who hang around are really few. I am glad, even if i dont look as if i am, that all these friends, whether we are still in contact or not, who has and had been around me. I mean as much as i might not know myself i still do know i am not someone who is really fun to hang around with. And i have learnt from time to time that i have to open up and my few good friends now, i thank you guys.

But as it goes, i never had, and never was, somebody else’s best friend. You know best friend, BFFs, are these people who, share everything. to embarrassments to fears to love to family to sadness and to happiness. Maybe it was me who cant bring myself to share all of those, or maybe i just haven’t meet someone i felt so at ease about to share these. I am not saying my awesome friends now arent worthy. they are great, in a way i dont think i ever will.

And i am growing up soon. Pretty soon i will learn what happens in life are all part of my play which God had planned.

 

 

P.S . My sis just told me her professor said all humans are made up of stardust. He said people who reads alot will know. Hey i read alot. almost. quite.

but no way am i going to believe i am made of dust i am made of cells!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

CHEERIOS PEACE OUT!

 

November 17.

“i like being alone and i don’t like being around people that much. Well when i’m in a talkative mood or when i get more hyper, i like talking to people and laughing and it brightens my mood. However, those days don’t come very often. Much of the time I’m sad and depressed and i avoid talking to people or taking the risk to talk to people myself before they come to me. However, i realize i am actually happiest when i talk to a whole bunch of people. Like today, i talked to a whole bunch of people. I’ve accepted not having a best friend, or any close friends actually but whatever. Someday maybe. I still have a long high school career ahead of me, and college. But it’s ok to like being alone too, as long as you make sure you’re happy.”

found this comment. i think i can relate.

 

November 21.

 

You know when people always say that only friends from secondary school will you most likely keep in contact with for the rest of your life? Its makes me ponder about us humans. In primary school we are all learning, all naive and new to this term called socializing. We dont know how to talk, how to behave and how to differentiate people. We are not that observant, not that sensitive. This phase i have learnt, what not to do, if you dont want to be alone. I’ve learnt, to care and think. In secondary school we face setbacks, betrayal and politics. We knew already how to talk, how to keep friends and how to be considerate. But we still have a clear and somewhat naive mind. We allow people into our world. I’ve learnt, to think even more, and care about no just others, but what others think of me. Now as i am, no one allows anymore. We fear, because we think. We think, because we care. All this, because we matured. And we look and kids and wonder how carefree they are. But why not wonder what have we done to ourselves.

Sometimes i pray, that i could be as thoughtless, as heartless, as empty as i am when my age is a mere one digit number. That i never did change. Sure i might end up alone, outcasted and judged. But i wouldnt care. What i would give to be able to not care.

School is no longer a fixed routine with a fixed sequence of events occurring, and i think it scares me. Alot. Maybe its already affecting me and i have not noticed. But it will all be fine in the end, will it?

 

Perturbed. December 2.

I don’t know what i’m feeling. This hasn’t occurred for quite some time and i don’t know why cant i stop myself from acting so childishly this time. You are a nice person i know. You try hard to be a good friend and sincere in making friends happy. Maybe too hard. For me. Its hard for me not to think maybe a motive or a conspiracy is brewing.

I’m not a sincere person. I’m not genuine. I only show people what i want them to know me as. Of course random incidents i can’t help, but i will never, put others before myself. Its just too fake for it to be true for humans. How can one be genuinely good to others, be really interested in their affairs?

Well I will be honest to say i’m interested sometimes not because i care most of the time but only because i am curious and needanswers. But i ask only once though. You will know if i care, i don’t ask. Quite a contradiction but that’s how i show i care. I respect them and if they want to they will tell me. You trying so hard to talk to everyone and being close to them scares me. I am afraid, of who are you, beneath these facades. To be honest, i just plainly dislike you. Inner thoughts say you are great and all, but not my friend.

 

Im such a bitch. My bad, not yours.

 

 

DECEMBER HOOHAH. December 18.

 

HI. This is awkward i always type like im talking to someone but actually im not which is kind of wrong but i still do it this way because thats how i like to type.

So…. it’s another school break and time passes so freaking fast that just trying to get hold of myself is a struggle. For the past week i was thinking of blogging but i got no “emotions” (?) and i felt i might as well not post anything if i got nothing worthy to post as i hope to use this platform to let my friends know sides of me i secretly want people to know but because of issues with myself i akjngfkrjngfejntoeqng so there.

 

 

this year freaking flew. FLEW, past, 

 

 

Ok so anyway, i would like to share some weird habits i have as inspired by this show i was watching. (if you realise my motive is to warn people so they, you, dont get scared off by them.)

 

1 ) I seriously HATE IT when people make unnecessary sounds for a prolonged period of time. EG, when you chew (WTF DO YOU MAKE SOUNDS JUST CLOSE YOUR DAMN MOUTH), when people click their pens, when people tap their finger nails on everything tap-able, and CHEWING. DID I MENTION CHEWING?

2 ) I flatten my bread before i eat them. There i said it.

3 ) I get irritated real easily by sequential movements. IDKY, WHY?

4 ) I talk to myself more that i talk to other beings.

5 ) I freak out internally when people touch me. Unless i like you which in that case i keep touching you. HI HOMIES /HUGS/

6 ) I will get tiny openings on my skin which bleeds when im overexposed to the sun thats why i rather walk the longest way possible to avoid the sun. (BITCH I AM NOT BEING VAIN OR SHIT OK? I LIKE TAN SKIN TOO. judgy people everywhere.)

7 ) Don’t touch my stuff without asking. For some reason i feel dirty if people touch it without asking but clean if they did. SMH

8 ) Please answer my questions, i mean i know some of them are really weird but i only ask when i really wanted to know. Its ok if you don’t get my way of curiosity but please? 😀

9 ) I HATE REMAKES. of books, of movies, of anime, of fucking everything. They all suck and i despise them.

i could go on forever, till next time.

 

 

Smokes and Mirrors. December 25.

I do not know why night time, full moon and Friday the 13th were deemed to be the time where ‘evil’ will lurk. I always liked these times.

I do not know why not talking when there is someone you know of is with you was thought to be unfriendly. I never talked unless its necessary, I want to, or when others talked to me.

I do not know that as a parent you can fully expect everything from your child without giving much. To make it a birth solely for returns, not for giving.

I do not know why calling is necessary. This is immature of me, but if possible I would not have to call for the rest of my life, it freaks me out.

I do not know why, some girls like to pair short shirts with leggings. Seriously.

I do not know why people above the age of 12 are not allowed to order from the Kids’ menu. We can like those food too.

I do not know, how to be at ease around people I’m not close to. How to talk to them so we can actually be close too.

 

 

Most importantly, I am perturbed by the fact that, I do not really know what Love is.

Between kins. Between genders. Between species. Between beings.

How could one being be absolutely obsessed with another? How, could one put faith, trust and all they ever had into another? I really don’t get it. if it really exists, can I at least catch a glimpse of it? Even so, I might not want to try it. Because once you tried something great, all you can do is to keep wanting more. What more can a mere human do? As such a person I am, I can’t deny the fact that I am deeply disturbed by having a feeling that I could grasp.

 

 

 

 

You know, the only reason I wear headphones at home is mainly because i want to block certain sounds off my ears. As i always say people could close their mouths but no one could voluntarily stop hearing. And most of the sounds are sounds made when they eat. If I have to restate my view yet again, I truly despise those sounds and they just are the most disgusting irritants people are able to deliver to me.

If outside home, don’t ask me why I suddenly excused myself or am leaning as far as possible away from you.

 

 

 

What a post. I am relieved. 🙂

 

 

 

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I’d chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I’ve found no meaning.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I’m so cold from fear.

 

I wonder if people actually have the same habits as me. Do you?

 

I dont know why but i love people who are really outgoing and talk to everyone. i dont mean people pleasers but people who carries their own attitude but treats everyone around them really coolly and like, just talks really well. They are the kind who get me, people like me to talk. If you know me i dont start conversations or share something voluntarily so these kind of people are my saviors. i really like them. Secretly.

p.s i dreamt one of my MST test paper when i was in sec3. /shudders/

JISH I LOVE MOTHER EARTH

 

Aannd behold. I picked the relevant posts. I will have fun reading myself.

 

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